Sitting there thinking, I was disturbed by my father, who rode up on his favorite Roden. The horse dribbled spit on my breeches as I clambered to my feet. "God evening, Sir," I said. My father nodded. "Good evening, Charles. It is getting late. I think you should go back to your rooms. I am expecting visitors this evening."

I nodded and turned to go, but at the last moment I asked, "is it anyone I know, Father?" "That is not your concern, Charles. To them you are away; to me you are dead." He wheeled his horse around and galloped away through the trees. I spat after his retreating figure.

"Dead" I screamed at the hedges, startling the birds. "Dead" . . . because I slept with another man. God how blind and stupid can a man be. . . Suddenly I felt the desire to escape. I ran down the driveway to the great iron gates. But as I approached, Ben, the gate keeper, came out.

His look warned me not to ask the obvious question. . . . The rifle by the doorway warned me too. Ben's daughter looked out, but he slapped her head and she withdrew quickly. Then Freda, Ben's wife, came out. Her huge breasts almost bursting from the dirty blouse. She was plucking a fowl and laughed happily when she saw me.

"Why good evenin' Master Charles, thinkin' of goin' owt?" she cackled, showing her ugly teeth, which reminded me of the gravestones in our private cemetery. "There's many a wench in the village that ud like you to give 'em a tumble in the straw."

"Hold your tongue, woman" shouted Ben, turning angrily to his wife. But she dashed back inside still laughing. I quickly ran back up the driveway and into

the tower.

It's midnight now and I have so much to write down about this evening. I feel now that the wall around my world is at last starting to crumble. I went back to my room at six and told Anna to send up hot water. When the maid arrived, I washed quickly all over and felt wonderful. Then Anna reappeared with my supper, cold chicken, salad, crisp home made bread, butter and a bottle of white wine. She put down the tray and began to leave when I called her back. "Anna, tell me, do you know who my father is entertaining this evening?" "No Sir, but I did hear the groom telling cook that they are new people in the district. It seems your father hopes to sell this gentleman some of your horses." I thanked Anna for her information and sat down to enjoy my supper. The candles flickered in the draft from the open window. Outside in the park I could hear an owl calling. Then about an hour later a carriage came up the drive. I looked out into the night and saw two men get down and heard my father's voice greeting them.

After that there was silence. The coachman was taken into the kitchen from whence I heard the sound of laughter. I tried to read, but my thoughts were downstairs. I wondered just which horses my father was thinking of selling. I got up and roamed my room. Then, in hopes that Anna may have left the door unlocked, I tried the handle. The door swung open. Anna had forgotten to turn the key.

I crept slowly down the stairs and into the dimly lit hallway. From the dining room I could hear voices. There were no servants about, so I guessed that my father had finished eating. I peeped through the crack in the double doors. Seated at the table, pouring wine, was my father. Next to him was an elderly gentleman with a grey beard. He was richly dressed in satin and wore a beautiful powdered wig. But the young man opposite him was about my age. He was very fair. His